My first memories of this disorder were when I was a very small child, maybe 4 or 5. I would become painfully shy around new people, or even family members that I had not seen in a while. I would literally hurt inside, and even at this young age, I would anticipate their arrival and worry about it, although I didn't know I was worrying at the time, I just felt like I had a belly ache. I also didn't like to talk on the phone as a young child, this is something that would become a common theme in my life. I also embarrassed easily as a child...I had to dress and act in ways that would draw as little attention to me as possible.
The disorder became worse in middle/high school. In 6th grade we had to play volleyball...I was petrified of playing volleyball, not because I wasn't any good at it (which I certainly wasn't) but I was scared to death of upsetting my team mates when I messed up. I would agonize over gym period all day. I also even had nightmares involving having to play volleyball. Around this same age and maybe a little older, I would even be afraid to check the mail if people were walking by my house at the same time. I would have to look around and make sure no one was coming, then I'd run out, get the mail, and run back in. I can remember thinking during my middle school years "I'd be happy if I could just go to school and come straight home for the rest of my life" I had no desire to do anything social at all. I didn't have many friends at all, I wasn't disliked or bullied, just ignored. I suppose at the time I was ok with that, but looking back I wish I had had the strength to do the things I really wanted to do, like try out for the cheer squad.
High school started off very similar, but this year things would change for me, some good and some bad. My mom had seen a news story on tv about a drug called "Paxil". It had just been labeled for use in social anxiety disorder and the story involved interviews with people stating the drug had changed their life. My mom made me an appointment with a psychiatrist shortly there after. I thank God everyday I had a mom who cared about getting me some help. The drug wasn't necessarily the God send I had been hoping for, but it was a start to helping me face this problem. I was 14 when I started taking Paxil. Nowadays when an adolescent is prescribed an antidepressant, there is a black box warning for a change in behavior when you begin the drug, including suicidal thoughts and actions. I didn't have suicidal thoughts, but I certainly experienced a change in behavior after beginning the drug. I started hanging out with an older boy I had met on the internet and he got me into things I would never have done had it not been for the drug. My shyness was much better, but I guess that, coupled with being an teenager, I had a rough year. I got into a lot of trouble. Eventually, said boyfriend went to prison (for a long time!) and I returned to my normal self. I took Paxil all through high school and it did help me, but I was not totally better. My fear of rejection and criticism still kept me from doing things that I truly wanted to do, so I led a basically anonymous existence. I never had any bad experiences, I was just part of the surroundings. I doubt most people from my high school would remember me. I eventually graduated and attended college in my home town. I graduated 2nd in my high school class and most likely could have gone to some very good colleges, but again my fears kept me from doing so. I was much more comfortable staying home where I could live with my parents for awhile, I liked being where I was comfortable.
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