Why I relapsed.

Up until now I didn't realize someone with SA disorder could relapse and that the severity of the disease waxed and waned. I thought that as long as I stayed on my Prozac, I would be "normal". Well now I know you can relapse even while being on medication. It happened to me. I believe 2 events in my life that happened recently caused my relapse. The first event happened last September. I had a rotation at Kroger. Basically I would serve as a student intern for one month, then the next month I would go to another location. I had never worked in a retail pharmacy and our school doesn't focus on retail pharmacy, so I wasn't very knowledgeable on the workings of a retail pharmacy. But if you know me, you know I put my all into everything I do, and I thought it would be fine. The day before I was to start, my husband's mother lost her battle with relapsed lymphoma. I was very sad, but I HATE to be pitied and I didn't feel like I needed to say anything to my preceptor about it. Afterall, I wouldn't need to miss any days of work so I didn't think it mattered. What I didn't realize was that my mind was elsewhere that first day and I failed to write down the day she wanted my project to be due. I worked with her fine for about a week, and then she went on her yearly vacation for about 2 weeks. She came back the day my project was supposed to be due, only I didn't have a project done because I thought it was due the next week. She was so mad, and I was devastated. I stuttered a little and apologized but she thought I was arguing with her for some reason and she reprimanded me for it. For being "disrespectful" and for not having the project. Since she didn't really get to know me and now I didn't have my project done, she formed her own opinion of me and it wasn't good. Since that day things went down hill. I was a nervous wreck, always expecting to do something wrong, I couldn't think straight and I would ask her questions she felt were silly questions and she would let me know that she felt my knowledge base was seriously lacking. I left the place in tears everyday after that and lost sleep over it. For a normal person they probably wouldn't care, but me with my SA and fearing rejection and criticism, especially from someone with authority, I was a constant nervous wreck. I dreaded going there everyday and rejoiced on my last day when it was all over. But I can't forget about it. I still think about it, even now. I think about what I could have said to her, I think about ways I could have stood up for myself and I'm disappointed in myself, like always.
The next big event that I feel contributed to my relapse happened this year in April, so just a few months ago. I have worked for a hospital all through pharmacy school, and I loved it. I feel like I'm very good at what I do and naturally when an opening for a pharmacist position became available, I applied. Graduation was just around the corner. I thought for sure I would get it, I had been a great employee for 3.5 years. I was very dependable, got along with everyone, and had a desire to do well, all the time. Well a larger than usual number of people applied for the position, people with experience, people with residencies, it was fierce. Anyway I waited over a month of agonizing over whether I was going to get this job and the day I found out the result, I was on rotation with a girl who also applied for the job. She had no hospital experience and certainly hadn't worked at this hospital for 3.5 years like I did. I found out I didn't get the job the same time she found out she did. I can't explain nor convey the devastation I felt. I wept and wept and wept. I questioned why I ever decided to become a pharmacist, went over all my faults over and over again and basically hated myself. I felt like I let myself down and that I was a failure. That was one of the worse pains I've felt in awhile. Someone got hired over me that had no experience and had the same level of education as I did. So these 2 events have caused my SA disorder to relapse. I did eventually get a job at a retail store and considering the only retail experience I have had was so horrible, I am obviously terrified. I'm constantly afraid of making a mistake or asking a stupid question. I'm also losing sleep thinking about work. So last Friday I decided to go to a new doctor and he was great. He wants to temporarily increase my Prozac dose to 40mg per day and put me on Klonopin (a benzo) short term. His goal is to get me down to my original dose of 20mg. He also wants me to start cognitive behavioral therapy with a therapist which I plan to do. I'm hoping that with effort on my part, and God's help I can overcome this. My SA never really goes away, but I'm hoping to get it to a level that I can function with.