What does my Social Anxiety disorder look like?

Like I said this disorder can manifest in different ways, but with common themes. I am going to list how this disorder affects me.

1. The big one. I am afraid of social gatherings, parties, etc where I will have to conversate with people I may not know very well. I am afraid of saying the wrong things or looking stupid or being judged. I know this is irrational. These types of situations are made 10 times worse if I have to go alone, but even if I can bring my husband or someone else I'm comfortable with, I still experience anxiety.

2. I try to avoid situations where I may be the center of attention. For example, I try to avoid going into a store if I'm the only customer. I prefer to go shopping in busy stores where I can just blend in. I also experience anxiety if I need to ask an employee where something is, and usually avoid doing so. Also I hate to walk into a room where people are already seated. My heart will pound and I will be seated as soon as possible to avoid people looking at me.

3. I feel anxiety if I think I'm being judged. This one is a little strange. If my husband is doing the dishes and I hear the clanks of the dishes I get anxious. Inside my head I feel as if I should be doing the dishes and I am being judged because I am not. Same would go for the vacuum cleaner, etc.

4. The Phone. The phone is my nemesis. I have had a life long fear of talking on the phone. I have no problem with very close family members such as my dad and husband, but anyone else I get anxiety if I know I have to call someone. Especially making appointments or ordering food. I will agonize over it for awhile and try to plan out exactly what I'm going to say. At this very moment I need to call to cancel a magazine prescription and I'm dreading it. This definitely affects me because I screen every phone call, and even if family members call that I don't talk to very often, I won't answer and will make up excuses as to why I didn't answer. I don't even like to listen to my voice mails. I will often delete them without listening to them.

5. If things start going wrong for me, it's like a domino affect. For example if I make a mistake at work, I will likely fall apart and make more mistakes...and in turn even more mistakes. Especially if someone has reprimanded the mistake or noticed it, and now they are watching me, that makes it worse and it's situations like that that might cause a panic attack.

6. Public speaking. This is an obvious one I'm sure since even people that don't suffer from Social anxiety disorder get nervous when public speaking. I will agonize for days though.

7. Sleep disturbances. For the most part I sleep just fine. If my disorder is exacerbated for any reason, my sleep will suffer. I will have trouble falling asleep because I will be analyzing everything I did in a particular situation, and thinking that I could have done something better, etc. and thinking I was being judged or criticized. I will often wake up thinking about these things, or dream about them.

7. Stuttering. I have a mild stutter. I believe this is related to my Social anxiety disorder because I'm thinking of what I want to say faster than I can physically say them. Especially in a situation where I feel I may be judged, I will be trying to say something to explain what I doing, etc. and I will stutter.

8. Hair pulling. I went through a bout of trichotillomania when I was about 16 where I would pull out the hairs around my part. I would only do this when I was anxious about something, but it got so bad you could see my hair was thinning. I did eventually stop this on my own, but I will still find myself trying to do it. Now I pull hairs from my face and under arms. It feels like a great release of frustration to me. The "feeling" I get is even better if I can get the entire root of the hair. I know someone people who do this actually will eat the hairs. I don't do this, but I do find pleasure in rubbing the root on my lips. I feel like this is the weirdest thing I do.

Despite all this, most people probably wouldn't know I suffer from social anxiety disorder, except of course my poor husband. I do most of the things I hate to do, simply because I have to for work, etc. I am just miserable the whole time. I feel like I'm in a constant state of "fight or flight" during most of these situations that I can't avoid.